Advice: My girlfriend won’t introduce me to her children or friends

New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions. Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. We were both married with children when we met, had an affair and left our marriages to be together.

We are very much in love, but she hides me from her family and friends. I have never met her children (13 and 10), and I’ve been asked to leave her house hurriedly when they are coming over. I haven’t met many of her friends, either.



I’ve told her how much this hurts me. It’s our biggest source of conflict. But she says she prefers it this way.

We have a lot of fun together, but it makes me sad to think about how much I love her – I invite her to all my family events – and yet she doesn’t want the most important people in her life to know me. What should I do? – BOYFRIEND A: Press for a better explanation! I’m glad that you’ve communicated your hurt feelings to your girlfriend. That’s an important first step.

But her response, that she prefers to keep you separate, skirts the real question: Why? Now, it would be terrific if our partners were always forthcoming about the hard issues in our relationships, but sometimes we have to press them – even if we fear their responses. Here, your girlfriend may feel ashamed about having had an affair that broke up her family, or she may be reluctant to disrupt her children’s lives by introducing them to a new boyfriend. But my theories are irrelevant! Encourage your girlfriend to open up to you about the reasons for her preference.

If she doesn’t see your relationship progressing, you deserve to know that. Now, you probably have already tried to explore this issue with her. (And after seven years, her continued unwillingness to include you may be its own answer.

) You might suggest couples’ counselling to address this conflict. But don’t settle for less than you want for fear of disrupting what you have. Understanding your girlfriend’s intentions more clearly is the only way to know if this relationship can work for you.

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