2 weeks Ago By The Telegraph
The mantelpiece is heaving with “save the date” cards, in-vogue florists are desperately overrun, and there isn’t a vacant B&B to be found anywhere in the Cotswolds. Yes, wedding season is upon us once again, but with this flurry of joyous occasions comes the much less welcome etiquette minefield. Must you comply with the happy couple’s fashion diktat for their colour-coded wedding? Can you gift them a cheaper option than their requested Le Creuset set? And is it acceptable to bring your emotional support whippet to the reception? Etiquette expert William Hanson , the author of Just Good Manners , says a polite “I do” to solving all The Telegraph ’s wedding dilemmas.
I’ve had to fork out a fortune to travel long haul for my best friend’s wedding and cash is tight – is it OK not to get the happy couple a present as a result? Yes, it’s absolutely fine. You don’t need to get a present and in fact the couple shouldn’t expect anyone, whatever their means, to buy them a present if it’s a far-flung destination wedding. If they do get stroppy about it, then frankly they’re not your friends.
You can still give them a wedding card or write them a nice letter – that’s more meaningful. My friend is hosting a colour-co-ordinated wedding, which will necessitate buying a brand-new suit that I’ll wear only once – is this a good enough excuse not to go? As with any party, if you don’t like the dress code , you don’t have to go. With it being a wedding it’s more emotionally charged, so before you decline, ask yourself, “If my friend never spoke to me again, would it affect my life?” If the answer is yes, then suck it up and go.
But see if you can borrow a suit in that colour, or try a vintage store. It doesn’t have to be box-fresh. I wanted to be my friend’s best man, but he picked someone he’s known for only a year and I’m very salty about it.
Can I refuse to attend the wedding? If he’s previously said, “You’re definitely going to be my best man,” especially within the past year, I can see why you’re annoyed. But it’s his prerogative, so you must respect that. Just go and enjoy the wedding – you’ll have fewer responsibilities.
You should also look more closely at the friendship: there may be perfectly legitimate reasons for his choice, if you haven’t been as supportive or present in his life. My friend got married in the United States and didn’t invite anyone from home. She wants to come back to the United Kingdom for a reception for friends and family and expects us to treat it like it’s a real ceremony, complete with presents.
Do I have to go along with this farce? This one is tricky. Perhaps your friend wanted to save you the expense of flying over? If she’s treating the reception as an actual second wedding, that is rather over the top; it would be more appropriate to do a nice dinner or drinks reception. But either way, if you’re going to spend the whole time sniping, then skip it.
I’ve been invited to a wedding where we have to pay for our own drinks instead of enjoying a free bar. Can I just attend the ceremony and not the reception? This isn’t unusual. Weddings are not cheap – most now have a paid-bar element, with the couple perhaps putting money behind the bar for just the first couple of hours.
It would certainly be rude to attend the ceremony and then leave, and you shouldn’t view someone else’s wedding purely as an excuse for a free drink. Why not just go for an hour and buy a glass or two? We are going to a wedding and normally give money as a gift, but at our wedding they gave much less than we usually would. Do we give our normal donation or match theirs? Deciding on an appropriate sum really depends.
I’d say about £100 is average but that varies – the guests may be Jeff Bezos-esque billionaires, or struggling youngsters. In this instance the couple is presumably unaware of your normal donation. If they’ve given £50, and you normally give £100, give £50 – that seems fair.
But we should never think of our friends as sources of income. You don’t know their personal circumstances. I have a fabulously extravagant hat that’s going to look great in the church and photos but afterwards I will have horrid flat hair so I want to keep it on all day.
My partner says I will look ridiculous and attention-seeking. Is he right? Is this a hat wedding ? They’re few and far between these days. If the mother of the bride or groom is wearing a hat, then other guests can.
Otherwise he’s right: you will look attention-seeking. Traditionally extravagant ladies’ hats were plumbed in with clips or bands, and thoughtful wedding hosts would supply a dressing table in the ladies’ loos with hairspray and brushes. In any case, it’s bad form to wear a hat beyond 6pm.
For some reason I always end up at the table with the absolute duds. I think it’s unfair and that I’m being penalised for being single. Would it be so wrong to change the seating plan? Yes! The cardinal rule at a wedding is don’t touch the seating plan.
It’s simply not up to you: a lot of thought and diplomacy has gone into creating it. It may feel unfair to you, but that’s tough. It’s not just politeness; in this time of dietary requirements, the kitchen could be told the person in position four is gluten-intolerant, and then they’ll be served the wrong meal.
I’m very particular about my pronouns. Can I ask to sit at a non-binary table? And is it OK to correct other guests if they get my pronouns wrong? Requesting to sit at any specific table is best avoided. Imagine if every guest put in requests to the couple getting married – it would be impossible to accommodate everyone.
You need to trust that your friends seat you around people who will get along with you and with whom you will get along, too. When you arrive at the drinks reception before the wedding breakfast, make sure you talk with people who aren’t at your table or else the wedding breakfast is going to drag when conversation runs dry. Should someone get your pronouns wrong, remember, as with any etiquette faux pas, two wrongs do not make a right.
It is not polite to correct someone in an obvious and pointed manner, especially when other people are around within earshot. The best way is to correct them privately. Most of the time, it will have been an innocent mistake.
Getting cross and admonishing someone will not help people think about pronouns with compassion and common sense in the future. Can I bring my emotional support whippet to a wedding? I really can’t cope without him. The invitation says “no children” but there’s no mention of dogs.
No, you can’t. If you have need of, say, a guide dog, your friends will know about that. You can discuss in advance whether your dog can be brought, and what provisions there will be for it.
But if it’s for emotional support only, I suspect you can manage. If not, stay at home. My best friend’s hen do abroad is extortionate.
The other bridesmaids have agreed that it’s out of their ideal price range. Is it rude or selfish if I suggest somewhere more affordable? No it’s not, but handle this with care. If the bride has her heart set on going to Prague , but everyone would rather go to Prestatyn, don’t gang up on her.
You can speak only for yourself: say, “Gosh, it would be so lovely, but funds are tight at the moment so I can’t manage it. I’d love to take you out for dinner instead.” If everyone says the same, the bride will hopefully reconsider.
The mother of the bride has requested that I perform a song dedicated to the couple at my friend’s wedding, but I hate performing in front of people I know. Is it bad if I politely decline? If you’re Ed Sheeran , I could see why they’ve asked you and have that expectation. If not, you just have to be honest.
Phone the mother and say, “Thank you so much, I’m so touched, but I get really nervous performing for people I know.” Don’t say, “I’d rather not,” or she’ll talk your ear off – make it a firm, “It’s a no on this occasion.” My friend has asked for Le Creuset cookware as her wedding gift from me and my partner; however, it is on the pricier side.
Is it cheeky to get her a similar-looking set from Amazon instead? Yes, in a word! They don’t want the knock-off version – it’ll just end up in the charity shop. I appreciate Le Creuset isn’t cheap, but it lasts – I’m still using my grandmother’s pans from the 1970s. Why not buy a voucher instead and explain it’s a contribution towards the Le Creuset? My friend’s wedding is in two days and I didn’t get a chance to buy a new dress.
Is it bad if I re-wear a dress I wore for our other friend’s wedding last year? Not at all. You can always add a different accessory, such as a belt. It would be ridiculous to buy a new dress for every wedding – it’s simply not sustainable.
To be frank: get over yourself! No one else will remember. And don’t do that self-deprecating British thing of saying, “Oh, this old thing? I wore it to Tony and Helen’s wedding, remember?” I suffer from really bad hay fever and I’m worried it’s going to worsen by being surrounded by flowers on the big day. Can I ask the couple to limit the amount of flowers? No, you can’t.
You just have to take your antihistamine. You have my sympathies, but you are one guest out of 120 – it’s not about you. If it’s a real problem, just be there for as long as you can and then make your excuses.
My ex-partner has also been invited to one of our close friends’ weddings. It was a pretty awful break-up and I don’t think I can face the sight of him. Is it bad if I ask them to choose between us? First, ask your friends whether your ex is definitely going.
This is why it’s important to RSVP quickly: your ex will probably have the same thought process, and if he knows you’re going, he might skip it, which solves the problem. Otherwise, just say, “I’m sure you’ve thought of this already, but would you mind awfully seating us at different tables and not in each other’s eyeline?” I have recently become vegan, but didn’t put this down as a dietary requirement when choosing from the menu for my friend’s wedding. The catering has now been sorted and there are no vegan options available.
Would it be OK to let the couple know anyway? You can ask, but you need to be prepared for them to say, “Tough!” You could offer to bring your own food and ask the kitchen to plate it up for you, or just eat the vegetables you’re served. There’s a big difference between a lifestyle choice and being deathly allergic to something; if it’s the former, it’s just one lunch. You’ll cope.
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