1 week Ago By [email protected] (Lalala Letmeexplain)
Our community members are treated to special offers, promotions and adverts from us and our partners. You can check out at any time. More info In Lalalaletmeexplain 's popular column, readers ask for her expert advice on love, sex and relationship dilemmas.
With a following of over 200k on Instagram, Lala is the anonymous voice guiding women through every hiccup that might get thrown their way. As an experienced sex, dating and relationship educator, she's encountered her fair share of relationship drama and shares her insights with a dedicated fan base on social media. Every week, thousands flock to her for answers to their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her humorous, straightforward approach to love and relationships has made her the go-to guru for feel-good advice.
To see what she has to say in this week's column, keep reading...
Dear Lala, My husband was unfaithful several times in the first two years of our relationship. After counselling we were able to overcome the infidelities and have since been stronger than ever. We’ve gone on to buy our own home, get married and have a child.
The trust has been rebuilt and I feel secure in our marriage. However, my husband has been working hard the past year to start a brand with his business partner and has recently learnt that brands similar to his are most successful when the founders attach their faces to the brand to build a relatable identity and community. This concerns me as we’ve always been incredibly private and therefore were able to keep his previous indiscretions as such.
I’m now terrified that they could come to light if any of these women decide to air out his dirty laundry for clout. He says that won’t happen and isn’t worried but I feel he’s putting me at risk of public humiliation. Am I wrong or being unsupportive? Lala says.
.. I don’t think you’re wrong or being unsupportive.
I think you’d be wrong if you were outright telling him he’s not allowed to create a public profile, but I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with feeling concerned, expressing that, and looking for a way to navigate it together in the way that works best for your marriage. It sounds as though you have both worked really hard on rebuilding trust and creating a safe and secure relationship. The thing about cheating, or any breach of trust really, is that whilst you can successfully move on from it, you can’t erase it.
It can’t go away completely, and that’s OK, it just means being prepared to revisit and readdress it again now that the issue is raising its head in a new form. You’re navigating a really nuanced situation where past pain meets present progress, and now future risk. Part of repairing your marriage appears to have been creating a little safety bubble around yourselves where you were able to heal and repair things privately.
It makes sense that you fear the impact that public exposure could have on bursting that bubble. You’re not concerned about new betrayal but instead about how old wounds could be ripped open. Your husband is proposing something that could lead to big changes in your lives, depending on the success of the brand, and so it’s very normal to want to explore what those changes might mean for your marriage.
Something that might reassure you is that I have been widely known on social media for more than five years, and though I’m anonymous, lots of people, including some exes, know who I am. In that time, nobody who knows me personally has tried to do anything to expose me. I have only experienced trolling from complete strangers.
Nobody in my personal life has said or done anything to harm my brand. So, unless he displayed some seriously concerning behaviour or unless his brand goes stratospheric, the chances of people coming out to expose him are probably quite slim. However, it is still worth planning together in case they do.
It is absolutely worth sitting down together to work out how you can move forward in a way where you both feel like you can grow and where you both feel secure. I wouldn’t frame it to him as "I’m worried that I am being unsupportive" because this isn’t about lack of support, and to be supportive doesn’t mean masking over your own feelings and concerns. Instead I would see if you can explore some of the following: “Can we put some boundaries in place if we go public? Can we have a shared agreement about how personal you get? What would we do if something from the past did come out? Can we prepare for that possibility together? And is there a way to involve me in the brand in a way that makes me feel protected, not exposed?” His need to be a public figure for the success of his brand is valid, and your fears about what this could mean for your marriage are also valid.
I hope this is something that you can work through together so that he can grow his business and that you can feel reassured that he’s got your back and that you’re protected from public humiliation. The other thing I would suggest is working on owning what happened and trying to heal from the shame of it. There is absolutely no shame in being cheated on, and there is a lot of pride to be had in pulling a relationship back from the brink and cultivating a safe and supportive marriage.
Think about all the beautiful, incredible women who have stayed after cheating and try to channel that energy. Like, ‘Yeah, so what, he cheated years ago and we got through it, and what?’ Try to get yourself into a place where if someone did air your old laundry, you’re able to stand on business and feel pride instead of shame. I do wonder if there may be an underlying concern for you that information about things you weren’t already aware of might come out, and if that’s the case then you will need to write in again and we can help you prepare for your divorce.
But if everything is already out in the open then I think you can get through this with great communication and forward planning. You’re not being unreasonable. You’re being wise.
And protective. And deeply thoughtful. That’s not unsupportive, it’s just being realistic and loving consciously.
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