2 weeks Ago By Dr Kate Lister
Something nobody warns you about getting older is that you will not only witness many of your good friends date an idiot, but you will inevitably come to watch them marry said idiot and start a family with them. What to do when someone you care about has thrown their lot in with a partner you are pretty sure you saw on Crimewatch is a thorny subject indeed, but after 43 years on this planet, here is my advice: keep it to yourself. To be clear, I am not talking about a situation involving domestic abuse, infidelity, or where someone’s safety is in danger.
In such cases, action must be taken, but even then, delicacy and diplomacy are required. No, I am talking about the run-of-the-mill dickheads here. The moochers, the loafers, the liars.
The moody, needy, mamma’s boys, drama queens, and the hobosexuals. Or perhaps just someone who is so mismatched with your friend that you wonder if they won them in a raffle rather than actually getting to know them. This is a situation I have found myself in on many occasions, and one I have absolutely inflicted upon my friends in return.
And take it from me; there is nothing that you can do about it. You must simply wait for it all to implode, which it absolutely will. You can be there for your friend throughout and patiently listen to their woes.
You can tactfully agree with what is upsetting them and point out that they deserve much better than this, but constantly bashing their partner, no matter how righteous you feel in doing so, will only drive a wedge between you. if(window.adverts) { window.
adverts.addToArray({"pos": "inread-hb-ros-inews"}); }This might sound like you are letting your friend down in the long run, and I fully understand the desire to stage an intervention and present them with a 50-slide PowerPoint detailing every objection and concern you have, but I promise it will not go the way you want it to. The only relationship that will suffer is the one you have with your friend.
We are all fools in love, and nobody wants to hear that their beloved is actually a tosser. On a deeper level, nobody wants to have their judgement and life choices called into question. Put in such a position, most of us become defensive and angry.
My own dating history is littered with red flags cosplaying as human beings, and in every single case, I was hopelessly smitten. It’s only now the crashing waves of dopamine and adrenalin have subsided that I can see just how awful they really were, but I wasn’t ready to hear that at the time. There have been instances when a concerned friend told me how much they didn’t like one of my partners and that I should dump them immediately.
All this achieved was that I stopped sharing what was going on for fear they were judging me, and I avoided them. They were right, but their disapproval only made me feel ashamed and more determined to make things work, just to prove them wrong. I doubt we will ever fully understand the vagaries of love.
Lord knows it is beyond the scope of an opinion column to explain why so many of us fall in love with complete losers, but we do. A mental health professional would look to childhood traumas, attachment styles, and self-esteem to try and understand why a successful career woman with a property portfolio would decide to marry a man who doesn’t own a bedframe but as a friend, all you can do is wait for her to come to her senses. if(window.
adverts) { window.adverts.addToArray({"pos": "mpu_mobile_l1"}); }if(window.
adverts) { window.adverts.addToArray({"pos": "mpu_tablet_l1"}); }This may sound like the coward’s way out, but it is anything but.
The mental fortitude required to support a friend who has embarked on a toxic romance is colossal. If you push them too hard, you will lose them. If you criticise them and judge them, you will lose them.
You have to give them the space, support, and encouragement to realise they deserve better on their own. And that means watching while they make highly questionable life choices. You can listen, validate their feelings, and help them to recognise unhealthy behaviours, but if you barrel in there, determined to make your friend see sense, you will turn yourself into the enemy.
I have watched several friends walk up the aisle to say “I do” to a man I wouldn’t trust with a paper round, and every time it was utterly galling. To actually “forever hold your peace” when you can think of several reasons your mate should not be joined to this clown is beyond difficult, but it is the right thing to do. That friend is going to need you further down the line.
Isolation from friends and family allows toxic relationships to flourish. So, you simply can’t allow yourself to be pushed out because it’s easier to shoot the messenger than it is to hear the message. It is no easy or quick thing for someone to accept that their partner is a bad lot.
It takes time and a great deal of patience from those who love them. Eventually, they will see the light and come to their senses, and that is your time to let rip. When they have finally left them, that is when you can lay into everything you despise about their ex.
Although, if I can offer one final piece of advice when this time comes, do not, under any circumstances, utter the immortal line “I never liked them anyway.” Just keep that one to yourself. No one wants to hear that.
You will only make your friend feel like a complete fool for not seeing it themselves and possibly angry that you didn’t give them a heads up, even if they would have rejected that. Try to act a little bit surprised that it all went wrong. After all, isn’t that what friends are for?.
