8 hours Ago
According to , the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, an American is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. To no surprise, approximately 70 percent of those rape or sexual assault victims “experience moderate to severe distress,” which is reportedly a larger percentage than for any other violent crime. Of course, there are plenty of different ways in which a survivor may experience this “distress.
” And while most people may think survivors cope by abstaining from sex completely, for others, being sexually assaulted may make them want to engage in sex even more. Licensed psychologist says that “feelings of can play a monumental role in a survivor’s response to their experiences, and whether you choose to refrain from sex entirely or to increasingly engage in it are both valid responses.” My personal response? A hypersexuality that took me years to unpack.
This may not be the reaction you would expect from a woman who had experienced both childhood and adult sexual assault, but sex had always played an enormous part in my life. I learned how to masturbate when I was 10, engaged in partnered sex way earlier than my peers, and eventually became a writer covering all things sex, dating, and relationships. After my assaults, I sought out sex—and lots of it.
After surviving such violent and uncontrollable sexual experiences before, I thought the only way I could regain my sense of control was by taking the very thing that hurt me in the first place and wielding it as my own. I believed that as long as someone seemingly cared for me, being sexual with them would feel good. And I was right.
It did feel good. I became empowered simply by the revelation that I could, in fact, have sex—when I wanted it, how I wanted it, whichever way I wanted it. And although this may seem off, experts say this is a very common response to sexual assault.
“Consensual sex can be a way for sexual assault survivors to reaffirm their sense of control and agency over their life and body,” says licensed therapist . “Having the power to choose when and with whom to have sex, knowing that they can say stop and that request will be honored, can be a big part of the healing process for some survivors.” And that was all true for me.
But by the time I got to college, a time when it seemed like everyone was having and talking about sex, my obsession only increased. In an atmosphere where hookup culture was applauded, I thought that having sex for the sake of having sex was supposed to be what made me feel best, even when it was with the wrong people. After a while, the sex I was having stopped feeling freeing and started feeling more dangerous.
I was having sex with people who were emotionally abusing me, and I was using that as a means of trying to stay connected or to keep them interested. I felt constantly depressed, anxious, and unworthy of being looked at as anything aside from a sexual object. That’s when I took a step back and realized that my hyperactive sex drive wasn’t empowering me, it was hurting me.
When I spoke to my therapist, she helped me see that it wasn’t the fact that I was having “too much” sex but that my actions weren’t aligned with my values and safety. I was putting myself in situations with men strictly for validation, not because I wanted to be having sex with them. So I learned to masturbate, but not in the way I had before.
I took the time to understand my body—to love it, appreciate it for what it does, and embrace it for the pleasure it could give me despite the horrible things that had happened to it. Experts agree that this can be an extremely helpful coping mechanism before diving right into sex after assault: “Reconnect with your body by yourself and understand how you respond—physically and emotionally—to arousal and orgasm before bringing a partner into the equation,” Goerlich says. Once I became comfortable embracing my skin, my flaws, my curves, the way my body moved and responded to touch, I started to be more comfortable with other people’s touch.
But this time, the touching wasn’t rooted in validation or worthiness—its intent was for pleasure and has continued to be since then. So if you’re someone who has also been sexually assaulted, know there’s no right or wrong way to respond. You could be like me and want sex all the time, you could want nothing to do with sex, or you may have a completely different response.
Either way, although navigating sex after surviving sexual assault can feel daunting, with the right and , you can get there. Because by actively reaching out for help, I’ve learned I am not confined to negative sexual experiences just because I am a survivor of sexual assault. As long as I put myself first, sex can feel satisfying, pleasurable, and amazing.
It can for you too..
