1 week Ago By Eva Wiseman
Dear Eva, I was in a loving relationship for two years with an older man, let’s call him J. Even though on paper it should not have worked, there was insane chemistry and so I agreed to be monogamous with him, despite having previously desired an open relationship. Cut to three months ago, when out of nowhere, J broke up with me.
His reasons were all around our age difference. He said we’re in different places in our lives, and he can’t give me what he thinks I need (part of what he means here is he doesn’t want to have more kids, and doesn’t want me to spend my childbearing years with him only to regret it later). Even though I can see there were limits to our relationship (including the fact that we often struggled to be open with each other), I was pretty upset (my friends would say heartbroken).
Then, about two weeks ago, I messaged him and he came over and we had sex. He still doesn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, but we’re talking about returning to our initial conversation about being open, and sleeping together once a week. It currently feels really good, and we’re talking honestly in a way we never did before.
I really want to go for it. But my question is, are things falling into place the way they were always meant to, or am I accepting scraps and destined for deeper pain? Help! Love Fi. Got a question for Eva? Drop her an email, here: AskEva @ condenast .
co . uk. Hi Fi, Regarding heartbreak, I’ve done some shit and I’ve seen some shit, and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you should probably trust your instincts, even if those instincts are going to come back later and punch you in the throat.
Yes, perhaps there will be pain, perhaps a horrible pattern will form, perhaps he was right in worrying that one day you’ll feel he’d stolen these fertile years, perhaps not. Perhaps, ok, there will be pain, a pattern will form, he was right in worrying, and still, even then you won’t regret the new relationship because it was all eventually worth it – the sex, the honesty, the restructuring of monogamy. It will form you in ways that are both excruciating and lovely.
And perhaps it doesn’t matter what I say, because in situations like this there is choice, but it is rare and fleeting, and more often there is the illusion of choice, which I believe is what we’re looking at here. Whatever I say, whatever your friends say, whatever your mum says, let’s be honest with each other: you are going to carry on sleeping with this man you have insane chemistry with, aren’t you? A man who has miraculously returned. Some break-ups need a few goes before they stick, some break-ups are a way of shaking the tree to loosen the fruit, and often it’s unclear which kind of break-up yours is until some years later when you’re alone and thoughtful, or fat on apples.
Sure, maybe you’re trying to tell yourself a story – things are finally falling into place! – and maybe the story is true. Or maybe it’s true in certain lights, or maybe he’s a complete dog who’ll be gone in the morning, but the fact that you two are talking honestly for the first time in your relationship suggests to me that something significant has shifted, and that the caution and pain that comes from not letting this thing follow its course might be equal to the pain that comes, simply, from letting yourself see where it goes..
