Out There: Excuse me, but it’s been a rough week

Years ago, I had my gallbladder removed and the doctor told me, as a result, when I feel like I have to go, you know, like, go, go, I should take these urges seriously. His prognosis was accurate and this week I almost got caught with my guard down — twice. On Monday, when I was a few minutes away from my office, I was feeling that urge.

For background, the bathrooms where I work are located right off the offices. When you walk out of one of the bathrooms, you will for sure make eye contact with someone sitting at their desk nearby. There’s no hiding what’s going on.



Except in the basement. There is a bathroom tucked away in the basement and only one person works down there. When you gotta go, it’s the place to be.

When I got to work, the entire basement was still in darkness. Sweet relief. I did what I had to do and no one needed to know.

Until the person who works down there arrived a few minutes later. I met her upstairs in the lobby. I had a question for her, so I followed her downstairs to her basement office.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, she shrieked. “Oh no. The sewage backed up again!” I was stunned.

Clearly there had been issues in the past. I didn’t know what to say. “Why do you think the sewage backed up?” I asked.

“Can’t you smell that? Oh no! I need to call maintenance.” Now it was going to be a whole thing. What do I do? Protect myself and let it all play out? I couldn’t and came clean.

“I’m uh, I’m sorry. I’m the sewage backup. I .

.. I just really had to go.

” How embarrassing. I don’t know if this story has spread through the whole office or if I have a new nickname. I’ve been keeping a low profile.

But guess what? It gets worse. Two days later I was at the orthodontist’s office. I was in the waiting room when, again, I just had to go.

I was all alone, so I didn’t feel too bad about slipping into the washroom undetected. It’s a unisex bathroom but the door doesn’t lock and it has two stalls. I chose one and did what I came in to do.

Except I couldn’t complete the transaction because there was no toilet paper. I was trapped in a stall. In a sweat, I panicked over what to do next.

Someone could walk in at any moment, but I had to take a chance. I tried to cover myself up and made a quick crab walk scurry over to the next stall and prayed no one would come through the door. I made it.

And there was barely enough toilet paper there, too. But there was enough. Now what? Do I tell the staff they are out of toilet paper? I’m a guy so they’ll know exactly how I know.

I sat in the waiting room alone until the patient who had been in treatment came out. I made embarrassed eye contact and then, before I could react, she went into the bathroom. I wished I’d warned her.

It happened too fast. I hoped she picked the stall with the little scraps of toilet paper. Again, my conscience burned and when I got called in for treatment, my first bit of small talk was, “You’re out of toilet paper.

” It was embarrassing but I hope I saved someone else a whole lot of trouble. Am I a hero? If you say so. I just think I’m a normal guy who had a pretty crappy week.

.