2 weeks Ago By Brian Moylan
Oh, lookie here: It’s our returning champion, Thomas Schwartz, the owner of 5 percent of a bar in West Hollywood and approximately 23 percent of our hearts. I hope this doesn’t mean there is going to be another lizard funeral, because there was just one on Denise Richards’s show . Two lizard funerals for one network’s lifespan seem like more than enough lizard funerals, right? Tom is sleeping in Imrul’s room, and, well, no one seems to miss Imrul.
He even tells Tom that he needs to wear a condom just to perch on his mattress. Tom isn’t adding much drama — and not creating much, either — but it is nice to see him returning, once again, to the Hamptons, since Summer House and Vanderpump Rules have been strangely conjoined since the former’s conception. Speaking of conception, the big thing that Tom added this week was counseling Kyle Cooke on how to give a sperm sample to check his fertility for when Amanda is ready to have children, which, judging by next week’s preview, isn’t anytime soon.
Tom also did the same thing on Pump Rules, and remember how Sandoval made him, like, a whole jerk-off suite in his house or something? I don’t know that Kyle needed all of that, but, as my imaginary husband, I sure would have loved a little peek into that bathroom while it was going on. You don’t want to know how many times I’ve searched “hunky blond booze entrepreneur bisexual threeway” into Pornhub hoping to uncover something from Kyle’s past. When all the guys go out to dinner together, West asks about the craziest thing the other guys search for when looking for a little, ahem , inspiration.
Jesse says he’s into massage porn, which seems like a wonderfully relaxing category. Unlike most Bravo shows, every episode ends happily. But then Carl says he searches for “tan lines.
” Oh, Carl. He’s such a sweet and wonderful boy. As West says, his selection is kind of niche but also mostly wholesome.
Carl has shared so much with us over the years; how is this somehow both the most intimate and embarrassing? It’s even more embarrassing than the green clogs. And why are all of West’s filthy kink search terms blurred? Can we get a West Wilson porn playlist on Complex or something? I’m spending all of this time talking about boys and porn because I really don’t want to get to the, ahem , meat of the episode, which is Jesse behaving like a fool and Lexi finally exposing him. It’s just too sad.
Too tough to watch. How else can we distract ourselves? Oh, what about the amazing party that Paige, Amanda, and Ciara throw? Capitalizing on their reputation as the Bed-Sore Sisters, they throw the First-Annual Snoozefest, perhaps the best party title and theme we’ve ever had. The girls all stay in on Friday night making dream catchers (inspired by the hit song by LOCK, the Ladies of Rock ), floating lantern clouds, and the most adorable pink bows that you’ve ever seen this side of a gender reveal that didn’t burn down a mountainside.
On Saturday morning, as the guys wake up with hangovers as raging as Carl’s boner at seeing a Coppertone bottle, there’s a production happening in the backyard. Workers are setting up lighting rigs, and the girls force the boys to make a giant trampoline that is going to double as a bed. Damn, they’ve finally started spending some money on these parties, and not everything is coming in an Amazon box.
The Bed-Sore Sisters (who could rival the Sanderson sisters , the Pointer Sisters, or Sister Christian any day of the week) also looked supercute, wearing eye masks and duvet-inspired skirts and capes. It was so cute and adorable, and I wanted to get into bed with each of them, but not in that tan-lines kind of way — just in a sweet cuddle-puddle kind of way. West also looked adorable dressed as the bear from the Sleepytime-tea box.
I like Gabby’s concept of dressing as a sexy sheep, but her woolen coat is giving a little bit diaper and a little bit less cashmere. Lindsay in a bodysuit with a teddy-bear head is terrifying until she changes into a teddy-bear onesie that is superior. Tom Schwartz comes as a full-on dream angel, and he has never looked more handsome except for maybe that one time when he was in drag .
I’m not sure what Lexi is supposed to be dressed as, but it is giving a shorted-out Fembot from an Austin Powers movie. Oh, Lexi. I really do need to apologize to her.
When she and Jesse started dating, and she admitted that she was jealous, I thought the worst. We’ve known Jesse for a summer now, and I thought I had him all figured out, so I believed him when he said she was being extra and noticed whom he was following and unfollowing on Instagram. But, really, it was Jesse being jealous, Jesse being extra, and Jesse bending these “yellow flags” so that we think Lexi is the villain, and that is not what was happening at all.
It turns out that Jesse is jealous and insecure, and he has been misunderstanding the situation. Strangely, it all starts with Amanda, the show’s emotional heart. She decides that, since she’s friends with both Lexi and Jesse, she needs to tell Lexi what Jesse was saying to the girls about their relationship.
She tells Lexi how Jesse was bent out of shape when she told him not to comment on other girls’ Instagram posts. She also tells her about how he said she noticed that he was following a sorority’s worth of girls on Instagram and then also noticed when he unfollowed them, as if she were doing a daily audit of his followers. Lexi has very reasonable responses for all of these things.
She says that she told him to maybe say “I have the most beautiful friends” when commenting on other girls’ photos rather than “You are the hottest piece of ass in all of America, and I would love to see your tan lines.” She didn’t mind him commenting about other girls; she just wanted it to be maybe three degrees more friendly and less sexual. She says that what concerned her were the women he started following after they began talking, as though he might be interested in trying to date them.
She also says there were people in DMs warning her about Jesse, and at first, it didn’t matter, but after Toegate, she had reason to start distrusting him. Lexi adds that he has major red flags, like how he’s texting, FaceTiming, and calling her all the time. West adds that when they were driving out to the beach, he called her and said, “I’ll call you in a bit,” even though they were about to spend the entire weekend together in the same house (and possibly the same bed).
Yes, it all seems a bit much, a bit smothering. West also admits that, yes, maybe Jesse is a little bit jealous and insecure. When they get into the giant bed to talk about what is going on, Lexi, very calmly, brings up what she has heard and tells Jesse that she has done nothing to make Jesse not trust her, but he has done something to make her not trust him, which is the toe-sucking thing.
He gets upset that she brings that up again, because it was a joke to him. Maybe if he wants her to get over it, then he should take it seriously and really apologize for going over the line. Lexi is also right when she says that she’s going to listen to what other people say about him, because he has given her reason to believe it.
Just like when she found out about the toe-sucking from someone else, Lexi’s biggest problem seems to be that Jesse keeps making her look stupid, and I don’t blame her. Who wants to keep hearing from her friends that her maybe or maybe-not boyfriend is out there behaving like a rude, disrespectful person? Jesse’s answers to her concerns are not great. He tells her that the problem seems to be that their friends are talking shit and that he needs to tell them to stop.
No. He needs to stop his behavior, which is giving them things to report back to his girlfriend. It’s not the chatter — it’s the action.
No actions, no chatter. See how that works? He also tries to lay the guilt on her and says, “I thought we’d leave this weekend being boyfriend and girlfriend.” Okay, way to dangle that over her head like it’s some prize.
(I loved earlier in the episode when the girls asked Lexi if there was any difference between being “exclusive” and “boyfriend-girlfriend,” to which Gabby said, “They’re different. I looked it up on TikTok.”) After their chat, Lexi talks to Paige, Lindsay, and Gabby, and Jesse goes inside to talk to West.
They both come to the same conclusion: Their relationship doesn’t have a firm enough foundation. Duh! Of course not. It’s been only, like, six weeks.
And it’s already this crazy. I don’t know — someone needs to pull the eject lever on this one and fast . When Lexi tells the girls that Jesse said how much he has changed for her, Paige says, “If someone says that they had to change so much for you, you should walk away.
” Yaaassssssss, queen! It’s as if spending all of this time in bed has gotten Paige to the height of her powers, because she’s totally right. He shouldn’t have to change for her; he should just start taking her concerns to heart. He shouldn’t have to change; he should just naturally accommodate someone else’s feelings.
He should just let this relationship wash over him, coming little by little, step by step, slightly closer in a way that he doesn’t have to reach for it — it just takes over his body, like being slowly lulled to sleep in a giant bed that someone constructed in the backyard. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us..
