1 day Ago By Brian Moylan
Thank the Catholic Jesus that Jax Taylor is firmly ensconced in rehab so that we can spend our time talking about totally silly and frivolous things like [ checks notes ] whether or not Michelle is prostituting herself for a billionaire. Oh, wow. That’s not silly and frivolous at all.
I have to say, I am amazed at The Valley ’s dedication to being the absolute darkest show on Bravo. Andy Cohen could green-light a program of families traveling to Switzerland to help their loved ones with assisted suicide, and somehow The Valley would still be darker than the underside of a hippo. After dispatching with Jax for the next 30 days (and, honestly, we’re two episodes in, and I already needed a break), we then go to Jesse’s house, where Kristen and Luke, a pencil that has been put in the sharpener eraser first, come for coffee.
He tells them that he thinks Michelle was cheating on him with the new boyfriend, Aaron, while they were still together. What is his evidence? Well, Aaron’s brand of honey showed up in his house two years ago. Apparently, just like Derek Jeter , he gives out gift baskets to the women he sleeps with.
The next piece of irrefutable proof is that she started going on these hikes without her wedding ring and while wearing makeup, mostly to Runyon Canyon. Okay, but everyone where Jesse and Michelle lived hikes Runyon. In fact, she’d probably be around more shirtless gays trying to get good selfies than she would a single straight man trying to take her out behind a hive and pollinate her flower.
(Honey puns are hard.) Finally, Jesse’s third bit of evidence, which would stand up before the Supreme Court, is that he once went to look for Aaron’s brand of honey in the store, but they didn’t have it. Michelle said she got it from a place near Runyon.
Where does Aaron live? Near Runyon. Your honor, I rest my case. Jesse is awarded 1 trillion rightness points, and we will all hate Michelle for the rest of our lives.
Case closed. [ Gavel thud .] Jesse says that Michelle confessed to him that she cheated, but said she never cheated with Aaron, so Jesse thinks that either Michelle cheated twice, or she cheated with Aaron.
When telling all of this to Kristen, who is shockingly Team Jesse, he thinks Kristen will say that Aaron is the boyfriend Michelle had for a year that no one was talking about. However, in confessional, Kristen says it wasn’t, so now we’re just left with Jesse and his fake-ass circumstantial evidence about how Aaron was putting some sugar in Michelle’s bowl for years. (Ugh, honey puns are hard!) While Kristen is at Jesse’s, she gets a call from Janet inviting her to Janet’s birthday party at Dave and Buster’s.
Was the Charles Entertainment Cheese that they took Erika Jayne to not available? Kristen isn’t sure if she’s going to go when she gets the call, but she and Luke decide that they should show their faces because at least Janet won’t yell at them in her favorite place on earth. The thing that really messes with the party is when Luke goes to visit Danny and his “three under three,” while Kristen and Nia go to fertility acupuncture. Danny brings up the Guys’ Chat, which is something that Jax created with about 20 dudes in it.
Jason is not in it because he has an Android, which, of course. Luke isn’t in it because someone tried to add him, and Jax was like, “That dude is a chode,” and then kicked him out of it. (I made that up, but probably.
) Danny is in it, but he says he has it muted. However, you know that Danny is actually in there every night pretending that he is a cool guy on the prowl amid all of that locker-room talk. Oh, speaking of which, how did Danny grab a big ol’ piece of Jasmine’s girlfriend’s ass when he was drunk and it’s nothing but an aside and a flashback.
Apparently, he got so naked-wasted ( IYKYK ) that he sat down next to Jasmine and said, “Go get Daddy a drink,” and while she was away, he came onto her very not-straight girlfriend. He has since apologized, but how is The Valley so packed with story lines that this barely gets any play? So, Danny brings up the Guys’ Chat and says that Jesse posted that he has irrefutable proof that Michelle is sleeping with a billionaire for $1,500 a night. Okay, if this proof is anything like the beeline he posted about the honey guy (honey puns are hard!), there is no way that we’ll believe this.
In fact, no one believes this, probably not even Jesse, who was just talking shit with a bunch of guys in their virtual locker room. I’m of two minds about this. Nia is right; there is no way that things in this chat will stay private.
There are just too many dudes in it that someone is going to spill, and, as Nia points out, all of their wives, girlfriends, and partners have their phone passwords anyway and could look at that chat any time they wanted to. There is no sanctity to the Guys’ Chat. (OMG, can you imagine what the chat is called? It’s probably like “Pussy Posse 2.
0” or “Clit Lickers Anonymous.”) On the other hand, I feel that Danny broke some guy code. I don’t know.
I’m in a couple of group chats that I certainly wouldn’t want anyone talking about in public, including one or two with small groups of friends. I’m also in a WhatsApp group called “Hung East London,” where anonymous dudes just post pictures of their junk, and, well, I guess I ruined the sanctity of that one. I am Danny! But I don’t want to be.
Like why did Danny have to tell Luke? Why did he need to start shit? Can’t guys just have a place where they can slander their exes without their knowledge? (No, they can’t because they’re guys, and the fuck everything up.) Luke, a wad of cut-up flannel shirts your cleaner uses as a dustrag, tells Brittany and the girls about it. Of course, they immediately bring it to Michelle, who then breaks down in tears in Dave and Buster’s.
Janet says that is impossible and that Michelle is the only person she’s ever seen cry in a D&B in her life. Well, she clearly has not been to the one on 42nd Street, where relationships from Staten Island go to die. Michelle’s immediate reaction is the correct one, that Jesse is a piece of shit and that the only thing worse than being married to him is being divorced from him.
As the girls are talking, Nia calls over Danny, and they want to verify what Jesse said. Danny immediately knows that he will never get invited into another locker room again, but he fesses up to it. He then goes to Jesse and tells Jesse that Luke ratted them out, and Michelle knows.
Jesse, because he is the shittiest piece of shit to ever shit on a piece, says that he and Jax thought there was a mole in the chat for a while, and he only said that to smoke out the mole. Yeah, great job, Jesse. Maybe you can go on The Traitors .
According to Michelle, you need the money. But we all know he meant it. We all know he said it in earnest.
We all know that Jesse sucks, and he’s now using this story for cover. God, Jesse is the worst. (Until Jax returns in 30 days.
) Michelle’s second reaction, however, concerns the cast trip to Santa Barbara that Jesse is planning with Kristen. Michelle is planning on going, but after this thing with the group chat, she doesn’t feel comfortable with him staying in the same house. She’s now trotting around Dave and Buster’s, between the Skee-Ball and the motorcycle-racing games where you ride an actual motorcycle, and whipping votes for Jesse to be kicked out of a house that he (with the help of production) rented.
Many people seem to be onboard, but I’m with Jasmine. “Just don’t go!” she says. Exactly! She is not obligated; she just wants to make Jesse’s life as miserable as he’s making hers.
Not that I blame her. Jesse is an asshole. But this petty War of the Roses bullshit is just going to make him worse.
Michelle needs to get herself a lawyer, get herself to court, and get this man out of her life for good. He can’t play games when she’s already won her freedom. Leaving the party, Michelle and Aaron walk out to his Prius alone, the sounds of Dave and Buster’s — the honking sirens, the thud of basketballs, the shuffling of tickets — still ringing in their ears in the half-empty parking lot.
They each get in, and Michelle puts her head in her hands. She’s thinking about crying, maybe working up to it, but she’s not sure what this blend of emotions she has inside of her. It’s all hate, frustration, and anxiety for the man she left behind, the one who is continuing to ruin her life.
Then, Aaron puts his big, meaty, sticky paw on her knee. She opens her eyes and looks over at him to see that he’s looking right at her, smiling, wishing that all of this fear and hatred will wash off of her like a golden retriever getting a tomato-soup bath after a run-in with a squirrel. She immediately feels better, lighter, like one day she will be happy to remember even these hardships.
“Thanks, I needed that,” she tells him, and as if it were an afterthought, she then tacks on, “Honey.” By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us..
