3 weeks Ago
The Pressure to Solve Everything Before Bed
For some people, particularly if you were raised in a family where fighting was common, leaving the fight unfinished can feel excruciatingly uncomfortable. This inkling can come from early experiences of relentless family conflict, says Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, a clinical psychologist in Potomac, Md. It’s possible for it to make someone uncomfortable with “shelving the issue” and going to bed.
Others may cling to the belief that falling into bed mad will only cause resentment to fester. “The idea is, if we solve the disagreement right now, we avoid emotional distance, and we don’t want to ruin the relationship on top of everything,” says Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City. But she warns against making this a blanket recommendation. Pressing a resolution, for some, could be counterproductive — especially when emotions are charged and fatigue creeps in.
Late-night argument: “Making a new decision at two in the morning is a bad idea,” Romanoff says. People who are sleep-deprived tend to be more emotionally reactive and less able to problem-solve. On the flip side, however, rest can give the brain a reset. A good night’s sleep enhances regulation (of emotions) and the ability to have more productive, respectful conversations the next day.
When to Pause the Argument
Whenever you’re fatigued, attempting to settle differences can lead to some choice words you might regret and expedient behavior. Mental acuity, emotional management and the ability to communicate effectively take a hit when exhaustion reigns. Alcohol or increased emotions only amplify the problem, notes Whiten.
Instead, Romanoff says, sleeping on it can give both partners a chance to cool off. The next day the problem is often nowhere near as important. If it still seems necessary, talking about it at a time when both parties are calmer and well-rested can make the resulting relationship stronger.Yet some people are unable to resolve arguments and sleep peacefully. Whiten calls this “attachment panic” — an ingrained terror that a partner does not care, or love. These fears might drive someone to develop a habit of seeking immediate reassurance ― even when it’s not the right time to have a productive conversation.
Staying Connected While in Conflict
In dating, it’s typical that one person feels a greater desire to resolve a fight than the other person does. According to Whiten, this pressure often stems from anxiety that lingering problems may never be resolved — a threat to the perceived security in the relationship. Which is why it is vital for couples to agree on a time to come back to the issue, when both are (one hopes) emotionally ready.
Routines that include “I love you,” good-night kisses or cuddling aren’t just idyllic — they can be unforgettable, even in the middle of a fight. Romanoff notes that these small acts can help keep both partners reminded of the bigger picture — that they are both part of a mutually committed relationship — when emotions are high. I’m not saying to pretend the argument didn’t happen; I’m just saying to communicate that the relationship is the priority.
Some will push back against these efforts, particularly when angry. Romanoff explains that this resistance can only lead to more conflict. A capacity to practice new emotional habits is required for a relationship to last. “The key to healthy relationships is learning how to develop new skills,” she says.
There’s also self-care, which can be a powerful thing. It could be deep breathing, meditation, journaling, or maybe even taking a cold shower that brings emotions back to center and prepares the mind for sleep. Whiten advises people to treat themselves as kindly as they would a child in distress. She refers to this type of self-regulation as “deep work” that many find in their therapy, particularly those with anxious attachment styles.
In the end, it is how couples manage conflict — not how often they have it — that determine the health and resilience of their relationship. As Romanoff says, conflict is not only inevitable but it can be an opportunity for greater connection. “It’s not about perfection. It’s about learning and growing together — even in the mess.”
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